Wednesday, November 17, 2010

In my weakness...He is strong~


How do you start a post that has many tears attached to it? How do you describe something so personal so private? How do you comfort when you are hurting and yet you don't want others to hurt too?
I feel as though I'm in a theme park on a roller coaster just going up the tracks to the top. I know there is no stopping ... I'm anticipating the top because I know it will zoom out of control in a hang on for your life ride.
That's where I'm at.....
In the past 2 weeks my life has completely changed.

I have been diagnosed with breast cancer. It seems like such a blur....
I could go into details of some of the pain and mistakes made by the medical field.....a radiologist here in the states missing my calcification's....2 biopsies that showed fibrocystic changes ( NEW Zealand)....then you ask yourself did they get the microcalcifications in the biopsy....did they miss it? How can someone who was ALWAYS under the scope have this happen?
Mark and I moved back 11 months ago from New Zealand to California.....we were just settling in getting our lives back to normal. His insurance had just kicked in with his work.... About 2 months ago He came out of his office and said to me ...."the Lord told me you have to go get a mammogram right away". He has never done that in our entire marriage of 26 years. Well...I was so mad at him....thinking to myself I am ALWAYS on top of mammogram ALWAYS! So I made my appointment because it had only been one year since my last one .... it kind of frightened me.
They told me they saw something.....all I could think was oh brother...it's in the 1:00 position and it's just the same old nothing....but they wanted to biopsy it & that they did. So when they phoned me (at work) and told me my husband was on his way I knew..I knew......her words invasive ring over and over in my head.....Mark arrived at my work and we went outside and just held each other sobbing, as my sweet husband cried out to the Lord," why her and not me....I would take this from her Lord".
So here I am.....before the Lord... i'm weak...He is strong...I am sad ...He is my Joy....I have cancer... but He is life....oh my soul why are thou so cast down? I can't get up....but He picks me up like a little sheep and turns me back over on my feet....
I have felt His breath pass over me....the breath of life...the breath he breathed on Adam...I am but dust.....but He has given me life....
I don't want my blog (that I have neglected) to become sad....but I want to keep you in the know...so many emails and texts from you~I have felt your prayers....they sustain me....I have read your scriptures...listen to your council....you are friends~when one part of the body hurts the whole body hurts....thank you~
I have some of the best Dr's here...our family physician is a Christan man who we have known for years....he has been the most caring ..praying with us...clearing time for me with all my questions such a support....my surgeon is one of the most well known in this area the very best....

I go in for surgery this Friday at 4:00pm (Ca. time) I am asking for prayer that it is not in my lympth nodes...they get it all... God's hand on me....

The Psalms have been especially comforting to me...when I'm afraid His peace washes over me....He keeps me in that perfect peace...because my mind is stayed upon Him~

I guess the best thing is pink still makes me smile.....

thank you for your love~

bless & hugs~
pamy j

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Mommy I love you with all my heart, i cry everytime I think about what must be going through your mind. The heartache and the questions. I dont know how to approach you or care for you I am here though to listen and be your daughter and best friend. I believe the lord will lead you through this and it will be used at some point in the future. Im praying and I know you will be healed.
Love you, Mckenzie

pamy j heart sings~ said...

McKenzie....
You are such a strength to me...everytime you text me with something encouraging...everytime you tell me you are praying for me...I couldn't ask for anything more in a daughter.... I believe....
love you so much <3

Molly said...

My heart is hurting for this chapter in your life. You are so deeply loved and I know I am not even close to the only one who will be right in this with you if nothing else, through prayer dearest sister. I love you and I praise Jesus for speaking to Mark about this. My prayers are with you and my heart is
burdened. God is bigger. He is Stronger, He will soak you daily in His Grace and wash over you with his strength and comfort. I love you again and want you to know you will be in our Prayers. I rejoice in your Love for our Father and want you to know what a LIGHT you already are in this storm. Be comforted my friend. May the Lord surround you in every way and fill your senses with Himself. Thank you for bravely sharing your burdens and Trusting in Gods Faithfulness! <3

Lori Katies Rose Cottage said...

Oh precious Pamy J ~
My heart is sad for you tonight as I read this ~
I will be praying for you ~
The Lord has you in His arms and will comfort you and protect you ~
I wish we didn't have to go through trials ~ darn it !

hugs and prayers,
Lori

Sherry said...

HI sweet friend. Thinking about you tonight. Praying the surgery was successful and that God will flood your heart with His peace that surpasses all understanding.
Isaiah 41:10
"Fear not, for I am with you, be not dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."

Much Love,
Sherry

Sherry said...

HI sweet friend. Thinking of you tonight. Praying that the surgery went well and was successful. May your heart be filled with God's peace that surpasses all understanding.
Isaiah 41:10
"Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.

Much Love,
Sherry